PEACHES AND PLUMS.

~*~

I don’t think running around in circles even begins to describe how I feel right now. I’ve run around so much it’s like I’ve dug my own grave from all that jogging. Now I’m just waiting for some lightning to strike me down. Or maybe that ticking bomb will finally explode and I can stop keeping a lookout for people ready to stab my back. Is there a word in the dictionary that combines frustration, anger, sadness, and numbness all in one?

Well… I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been keeping up with my SAT words memorization. Maybe this is also a wakeup call, telling me I should start. Procrastinating on the SAT is the same as just begging for a raping.

~*~

Before I start this, I’d like to just say that this post doesn’t pertain to anyone in particular. I’m just ranting to get these horrible thoughts out of my head. That is all.

~*~

You know what I think? I think people need to just calm the fuck down and see more good in other people. Why does it seem like people are always trying to outdo each other, always trying to bring their neighbors down? Just because you may fail at an aspect in your life does not mean you need to pull other people down with you in your misery. Just because you are insecure about yourself does not mean you can make yourself feel better by shittalking other people. Grow up. If you suck, if you fail, deal with it. Change it. But don’t take it out on others. Don’t blame your failures and shortcomings on the ‘bad’ traits of your neighbors. Because that is just pathetic. Stop complaining. Stop judging. And deal with it.

Or is it just me? Maybe I just send off evil vibes. Well my bad.

I’m sick of everything. All the misunderstanding. All the judging. Because seriously, just cause there’s a smile on my face and some laughter coming out of my mouth – now think about this very carefully, guys – do I really want to get in your pants? Am I actually physically attracted to you? Give me a fucking break. You know what’s probably really going through my mind? “Shut the fuck up and leave me alone.” Just because someone is too nice to tell that to your face doesn’t mean that she wants to be your next girlfriend. Or that she thinks you’re the slightest attractive in any way.

Just because a girl laughs does not mean she is trying to seduce you.

Oh great now the ball really is rolling. I’m sick of all the teasing. It’s true, I don’t know how to get mad. If you call me ugly, or fat, or whore, sure the first few times it’s pretty funny. Witty, actually. But when it becomes the only thing you use to have a fucking ‘decent’ conversation with me, don’t you think there’s something wrong with that picture? I may not have a temper, but I do have feelings. A little respect once in a while is all I’m asking. Don’t you think my feelings get hurt? Does it look like I’m fucking Superman? I’m still a fucking girl. Calling me ugly or fat a billion times in a row doesn’t work well with the female complex. At all. Tell me, is it because I smile and laugh a lot? Do I fool you with that façade? Because in all seriousness, I get pretty sick of your teasing. Oh and also, is it really necessary to yell at me whenever you want me to do something? Adding a ‘please’ into your vocabulary can help, you know. I may be playful, I may be fooling around a lot of the time, but I do know when to be serious. You don’t need to scream at me to get the message across. I’m not stupid nor am I deaf.

And to top things off, when I do finally get hurt and I let some of that show, I get called a sensitive, difficult bitch.

Good one.

Please, can’t you see? I have feelings. I can get hurt. And I’m not even a happy nor playful person to start with. I just try my best to be. I just try my best to stay positive.

Everyone, make up your minds. Whenever I try to be cheerful and make sure nobody’s feelings get hurt, I get called a flirt. And when I try to stay on the downlow, I become a partypooper. I “bring down the team.”

I bring down the team? Please, cut me some fucking slack. All I’ve ever wanted this season was for everyone to try their best and win. All I’ve ever wanted was for every, single member of my team to succeed in whatever event they play. All I’ve ever tried to do was to keep my own personal life and my own personal problems off the courts and just bring my game to practice. All I’ve ever tried to do was to keep my shit from getting into the team and blowing things out of proportion. And you are telling me I bring down the team.

First of all, can my personal problems stay my personal problems? If I have cancer, if I am dying from a terminal illness, I believe I have every right to stay sad and silent about it, without getting called a bad team sport or a bitch.

Is it too much to ask for some personal space right now? I am fucking peeing out blood. For hours on end, I’m stuck on the fucking toilet because the urge to urinate just does not go away. I wake up in the middle of the fucking night, wanting to pee but nothing come out because my bladder is empty and my mind knows that. I cannot focus on my studies; I cannot sit still for five minutes. I spent the first half of my spring break not studying for my APs but sleeping because I just could not stop trying to pee. Do you know just how frustrating and horrible that feels? Do you?

And even after all that probing and waiting and shots and blood drawing, the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I a pussy for telling you that I’m just the slightest bit scared of what’s becoming of my body?

And do I even need to get started about my nerve also? I cannot fucking open my left hand, and I haven’t been able to for more than half a year now. Don’t you think I get frustrated sometimes?

I just want some space. I just want to be able to talk, to act, to feel, to think without always worrying about ‘bring down the team,’ without worrying about hurting someone’s feelings because I may be giving off the impression that I’m flirting, without worrying about making people think I’m being an attention whore. Because seriously, I just want to be invisible right now. Stop talking about me. Stop worrying about me. Stop caring, because in all reality, you aren’t helping at all. You aren’t changing shit. Give me back my left hand. Give me back my blood that I lost in my urine. Give me back my control over my peeing. Give me back all those tears I’ve cried. If you can’t, just give me some space.

I’m sick of trying to appease everyone. I’m not wishing any ill will on anyone. All I want is to mind my own business, do my own business. God, I don’t even know what my fingers are typing up anymore. I don’t even remember half of what I said. Everything’s just whirling around in my head, and I just want to stay away from anyone and everyone.

I don’t know anything anymore.

I’m sorry if I ever hurt anyone. I didn’t do it intentionally. But like hell that means shit.

~*~

reblogged from asunandasmile:

“Why did you do that?!!?”

“I was bored.”

“Why did you kill this man??!!!”

“I was bored.”

“Why didn’t you just ask her?”

“I was bored.”

No, you were not bored. You had a reason to and you just don’t want to tell me because you just got owned. I mean, when I’m just kidding around with you, that’s ok if you say you’re bored. But when I’m serious, you better not say you did it ‘cause you were bored because I know you did it for some other reason. Like when you post a photo on facebook, and make the caption say “Fail attempt at drawing ______” And then when someone asks you, “Do you think it sucks?” And then you say “Yes” and then that someone asks you “Then why did you post it on facebook.” and then you say “Oh because I was bored.” No bitch, you were not bored, you wanted compliments on your drawings, even if they’re fail or not, from people you barely know. How about I slap your shit.

Don’t say “lolwut” either. Because you’re doing it wrong. You would say lolwut if you saw a walrus playing poker with a seal in an afro eating chips and salsa. Not when someone asks you a question or tells you a fact. Don’t “lolwut” me. You know exactly what I said. You just can’t admit defeat. Saying “lolwut” like that is like saying “Lol i just got pwned but I shall not believe it so I will say what.” Bitch. Say lolwut to me again, and I’ll “lolwut” your whole family.

Just get the fuck out and take your fail with you.

my favorite post of all time

~*~

Because everybody is either offline or ignoring my ims - consequently leaving me FOREVER ALONE - I’m going prove my psych textbook wrong and show that catharsis does indeed purge the emotions.

The rant topic today will be about butterflies.

MY butterflies.

~*~

~*~

I cant remember the last time I’ve had these butterflies. I dont think I’ve ever, to be honest. Well… only if the butterflies I got during my piano recitals aren’t taken into account. Rather, those felt more like botulin-infested termites eating away at my stomach. This feeling is much more rewarding. And uplifting.

Oh cripes. Don’t even get me started about ‘uplifting.’

How is it possible that during conditioning, while I was lunging and obediently tearing away my thigh muscles, the mere thought of butterflies suddenly painted my dreary world in rainbows? How’s it possible that the mere thought of something you did - and it wasn’t even that big of a deal - placed such a huge shit-eating grin on my face; a grin that definitely did not match the intense onslaught of pain in my legs as I jadedly lunged forward.

That’s not right.

No, it’s not!

It’s not right how you’re constantly on my mind 24/7, pestering the crap out of me. I don’t even want to start my homework because you seem to crowd everything else out. I don’t want to do anything but sit in my chair, taking in all these feelings you make me feel and trying to sort them out. And so far? No progress. I’m just as emotionally overwhelmed as I had been from day one.

And that’s another thing. Just when exactly was day one? Just when exactly was the start of this maelstrom? Ugh I don’t even want to know. I’m too scared to know. It’s probably something super cliche and horribly cheesy.

But guess what? That’s not even the worst part. No, the worst part is feeling like a giddy lovestruck dummy and wondering - actually, fretting - if you were doing the same thing. If you felt the same way.

If I cross your mind as much as you do mine.

Do I?

~*~

Okay.

I confess, maybe I’m kinda sorta heads over heels.

And that, indeed, confuzzles the hell out of me. I’ve never felt like this before. So how did the heck did I manage to fall so badly?

Wait.

That is a very bad question.

As I’ve learned - the hard way - my falls tend to be a little more severe than a regular klutz’s. And the damage that ensues also tend to be a little - no, scratch that  - a lot more erratic than a regular scrub fall. Just look at my nerve-damaged arm for proof of that.

Speaking of my arm, do you have any idea just how slow nerves heal?? My doctor’s saying it’ll be one whole year before I regain control over my left hand. BIG sigh. I need to get a splint for my effed up hand next Thursday…

And I don’t think there are splints for broken hearts.

~*~

Wait freeze.

Is that what I’m afraid of? A broken heart?

Oh funny.

You’d think that after all this time I’d be used to having a broken heart. You’d think that after all this time such events wouldn’t even faze me. Well that’s what you thought and you were wrong. Ha. Guess I’ll never learn.

But I dont want to.

I dont want to learn how to be apathetic. Even if it means getting hurt in the process, I don’t want to tune these feelings out.

Because these butterflies… These little flutters and jumps in my stomach that you give me…

They make me feel like I’m on top of the world.

~*~

It’s a good feeling.

~*~

~*~

So much for catharsis. You’re still crowding my mind. And frankly, I dont think you’ll be going away for a while.

~*~

~*~

Well. I think I’m kinda in a dilemma.

Figures.

First of all, I have to encrypt this post so that only you understand and know what in tarnation I’m talking about. And make it so that other people can’t guess.

I hope we have enough inside jokes to make that a possibility.

Second and most importantly, I have to decide on how much I should and can say.

I mean, tumblr is where you’re supposed to write down your deepest darkest rants. But I kinda already promised you this post, so I guess that that would make this post a message, and heaven knows you can’t say everything on your mind when you write a message to someone.

Then again I wonder if you will ever read this post. Cuz I’m not going to tell you when I put it up, so maybe you’ll miss it and all my hard work will be in vain. But I guess I can always show it to you at the end, when all of this doesn’t even matter anymore. When I don’t matter anymore.

On that thought, to the ones who are reading this, if you don’t understand what I’m talking about, I don’t want to ever hear a single question about who this post is directed towards. Because I won’t tell you and I will call you a stalker. And ostracize you for life.

~*~

“When I saw you I was afraid to meet you. When I met you I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you.”

~*~

I feel like this sums everything up.

Haha I know it’s pretty damn cliche and girly for me to say so. Would it make it worse for me to explain? Would I be just adding on to the cheesiness and the triteness of the subject of this quote?

I mean, seriously. Love? I think we should all scorn at such a thing. 

Oh well. Here goes nothing.

~*~

Ok, so maybe I thought he was kinda cute. I thought he had adorable fat baby cheeks, like Eva’s. Haha. But the first time I exchanged words with him, well, he seemed to be having an inside joke of his own. Hell man, I don’t ask people for their numbers because I’m interested. Who does that these days? And I couldn’t even text back then. But there he was, a complete stranger to me, poking fun at my apparent interest to get my partner’s number.

The only thought running through my mind?

“Dang. Who is he? This is one guy I’m not going to be on good terms with.”

Yeah, yeah, I knew he was joking. But I had no comeback to this kind of sarcastic mocking. What could I say? I couldn’t exactly bring up a memory of him doing something stupid and stalkerlike, because I had no such memories. I couldn’t exactly say SHUT THE F…ront door (oh very witty, Lily) either without him taking it the wrong way. And furthermore, I was ever the awkward turtle when it came to talking and befriending people older than me. I think they’re quite intimidating.

And he was pretty damn intimidating to me at that moment.

“When I saw you I was afraid to meet you.” 

Check.

~*~

Uhh… I don’t think the kiss from the second part of the quote really applies to me. Well. Kinda, in a twisted way. I suppose I can always make it apply.

I started talking to him on AIM a lot. I don’t remember how I first got his Screename, but what I do remember was talking to him a lot about God and night terrors. I guess it was pretty comforting to find a fellow Christian who I could rant to about my intrinsic, ridiculous fear of demon possession. Heck, I doubt he even remembers these conversations.

When Eva let me borrow her phone, I would be studying on one hand and every five minutes or so I would check my phone for ims from him. It didn’t really help me focus on my studying, but the smiles that resulted from reading his ims were kinda worth it. It was also then that I realized (but never admitted) that I began sort of falling for him.

Of course, that was short lived. I’m not going to go into details, but I definitely have a strong belief in the saying “Chicks before dicks,” and in my opinion, a true friend does exactly just that. No stupid crush over a boy is worth any friendship.

Well… that and plus the fact that I thought he would never like me back. I mean, I was (and still am) pretty ditzy. I didn’t talk to him much at school either, making my uneasiness of my elders pretty palpable. And well, he did say that a relationship was the last thing that he wanted. So I quickly threw that idea in the dumps.

But then came the first hang out. And it actually felt pretty nice. At that time, I could easily say that my slight infatuation with him had completely been squished and deleted, but he was a fun person to be around. Our hang out was very convivial and to my surprise, it wasn’t even the tiniest bit awkward at all.

The next thing I knew, we scheduled another hang out day.

The feeling of guilt never came until the third or so hang out, when reality slapped me across the face. I was positive, blessedly sure, that I would not do the same thing twice. But I did. So as soon as I realized that I began to like him again, I tried to stop hanging out with him. But he agreed pretty cheerfully, like he didn’t care whether he hung out with me or not. And that’s what got me thinking. I mean, it was okay if I liked him, as long he didn’t like me back, right? Because no one would ever have to know that I liked him, not even he himself, and we could just go on being friends. Therefore, I used that little loophole to alleviate my guilt and I told him I changed my mind. We began to hang out again.

The hang outs that ensued frustrated me to no end. I could almost swear that he began to like me too, but no matter how much I tried to find out his feelings for me, he would always bluntly say “Why? We’re just friends.” Ironically, he did randomly text me one time the line “We’re just friends, what are you saying?” from Baby by Justin Bieber. And I was the one who texted back “Said there’s another look right in my eyes.” But I made sure to change “my” to “your.” Though I doubt he noticed. One can hardly expect guys to hardly notice any thing these days.

So I guess thats where the “When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you” part comes in. Because I didn’t know how he felt about me. He acted like he was interested, but once I began pressing for more answers, he immediately backtracked and stressed out the fact that we were just friends.

Well fine, “just friends” we were. Me with my maelstrom of feelings, and him with a look in his eyes that said something completely different from what he was telling me. So I was scared to tell him that I liked him. Because it seemed like all he was trying to do was to insinuate that he didn’t like me. That all I would get if I confessed was simply rejection.

“When I met you I was afraid to kiss you.”

Check.

~*~

I remember that time when he finally told me he liked me. Well, if I can even label it as “liking” me. I was sick of the beating around the bush, and when he finally did cross the boundary between being just friends and to being something more, I had to ask. I had to know. So I did. I bluntly asked him if he liked me. And his response? Spoken like a true idiot. “A little bit.”

Great. A little bit.

What the heck am I supposed to do with that? I mean, it’s a yes or no question. But okay, I guess I couldn’t force a lot out of him. I was scared that if I pressed for more, he would change his mind on me and decide it wasn’t worth the trouble. So I simply nodded my head and asked if what we had between us was just friends… with benefits. And he complied.

I couldn’t complain. I mean, the only choice for me now was to be exactly that, or to cut off all contact with him. Because I knew that I couldn’t stay only friends with him. I liked him too much. Either I stop seeing him and try to get over him, or we keep this little infatuation between us exactly what it is: a little bit.

But I soon realized I couldn’t stay simply as friends with benefits with him. It implied that it was no more than a physical relationship, and heck, that was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t need a guy that kept me by his side and used me whenever he fancied. I confronted him about it, and although he didn’t want to start a relationship (the feeling was mutual), he comforted me that it was more than a physical relationship. And I, being the gullible girl that I am, believed him. I suck at judging people. I could never “see the blue.”

Was I afraid to love him? Yes, I most definitely was. His liking for me felt so ephemeral, so transient. It was as if any moment he would change his mind on me. As if any moment, he would realize something that he never knew before. What would happen if he had the epiphany that he didn’t really like me, but that he simply craved the company of any girl for whatever reason? Would it be worse for him to keep that realization to himself or to tell me and consequently break my heart?

“I wish I were a little kid again. Skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.”

I told myself that this dalliance between us wasn’t important. It had a deadline, after all, so why should I have all the worrying and heartache for no reason? I told myself that committing would be a bad idea, and thus, I pretended like I didn’t care.

“When I kissed you I was afraid to love you.”

Check.

~*~

I don’t know how the last sentence applies. I mean, this… whatever-it-is, has a deadline for sure, so how could I lose him if we weren’t even going to last in the first place? I knew that we couldn’t start anything, so I never even considered keeping him. Then… Can I really lose him? You can’t lose something that you never had in the first place, right?

But why does it hurt to think about this so much? If it really were so meaningless and trivial, why do I bother to think about this so much? Why am I scared - why should I care - that even now that I might be nothing more than just a girl in his life?

I mean, he might mean to make me something more, to put me someplace higher on his “list.” But maybe he’s just fooling himself too. That the only thing he wants is a girl, any girl, and that I just happen to be the girl who was all too obsequiously sitting there on the sidewalk with the sign “Job Wanted” held over my head. It’s understandable for him, but I don’t want to be that girl. Not anymore. Not ever again.

The fact that this is a secret still bugs me. And I guess it will continue to bug me until our dalliance ends. I hate how I have to hide my liking for him, especially when other people pair me off with the wrong person. Because whenever that happens, it just feels more like a slap to my face. “Oh. You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s a dirty little secret.”

And for him… I guess that’s where all my thinking stems from. The fact that he doesn’t need or feel the need to tell anyone because of that reason, because of what he told me that one midnight, makes me all the more afraid to like him. It’s not… right. It doesn’t feel right. Am I letting myself fall short again by letting the person who I like, the person who says he likes me back, keep this all hidden and behind everyone’s back?

This reminds me of the last time I liked someone this much. Deja vu all over again. Do I really need to be kept a secret?

If this situation were any different, if this fling actually held meaning in my life, I would feel that way. I would feel like I was letting myself fall short all over again, and I would think that the best way is to break it off before it goes too far. But it’s not. It doesn’t hold any meaning. This relationship had no life to start with, because it was set to die. And that’s why I shouldn’t bother. I shouldn’t care, and I will learn to not care.

But it still kinda hurts. Because I want him to be more than a passing-by summer romance in my life. I want to be able to keep this as a cherished memory and look back on it, knowing it had worth and meaning in my life. With him, I feel like I finally can catch a glimpse of what a genuine relationship actually is. Although I had been in a relationship,this relationship (though calling it that is quite the stretch) feels different. This affair, even with its many headaches and heartaches, makes me feel nurtured. It doesn’t suffocate me. It gives me hope in real relationships again.

But coming back to reality, it’s all set out and written isn’t it? The deadline. The end. The break off that’s due to come. So again, I say, I shouldn’t care, and I will learn to not care. Commitment is very admirable, but it is not needed here.

I’m scared to like him more than a evanescent crush. Because I don’t need to make the same mistakes again. I don’t ever need to like a guy more than he likes me ever again.

I’m scared to love him more than he loves me.

So with that in mind, I ask you, how can I be afraid to lose him if I can’t even love him in the first place? He was never mines. Not even in my heart.

“Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you.”

Check.

~*~

On a happier note (I think writing this so late at night puts a damper on my moods, so forgive me for the previous dark rant), this summer with him has been ever more so memorable and unforgettable. I glow on the inside whenever he slips and gives me a compliment (however casual). And waking up to his Happy Birthday texts will never ceased to brighten my day.

I think, in all retrospect, I don’t care about any of the heartaches and headaches this fling gave me. Because once I get into the mindset that this fling is just what it is - a fling - then being able to be with him, for as long as the remaining time allows, is enough for me. And when this summer romance does end, maybe I can look back and have no regrets.

~*~

If I have to choose between loving you and breathing, I would use my last breath to say I LOVE YOU.

~*~

Lily.

~*~

~*~

To my dearest Bridget Chan,

I miss you.

~*~

You know, I actually stood up today during the Lord’s table and prophesied. To be honest, I was an hour late to the meeting because I overslept. But hey, at least today, I stood up and spoke. Out of my own free will. For the first time ever since you left. And I talked about you.

I talked about how I think that my life in the Lord started going downhill because we began drifting. And then it officially ended because you moved. You moved out of California, and out of my life.

It was only when I sat back down then I realized the date.

~*~

Today is your sixteenth birthday. This is not how I imagined it would’ve been like.

You in Texas. Me in California.

~*~

Bridget. I don’t even have your blasted number.

~*~

Can you believe it? I have tears in my eyes right now. This week is certainly not the best week of my life, but no matter how hard I tried to cry it out, the tears wouldn’t come. And yet, here I am, ready to go to sleep, but suddenly… Suddenly I remembered all the times I had with you and immediately the waterworks begin to go on overdrive.

~*~

Shall I start from the beginning?

~*~

I will be forever in your debt for you bringing me and my family into the church life. In retrospect, fifth grade was one of the darkest years of my elementary school life. I had just changed houses, my parents fought constantly, and although we did not know it then, a baby brother was soon to be born into the family.

But through the will of God and the simple faith in your heart, you brought me into the House of God. And consequently my entire family. For this I’m eternally grateful.

Soon after this we became the best of friends, didn’t we? We were like super glue. Yes, of course we fought constantly. But that was because I was bossy and you were stubborn. You started teaching me how to draw. And we drew like a Picasso gone insane. Haha our obsession with anime and cute manga characters. We even had that idiom cartoon book that we were going to publish, remember? Garguilo’s class was so fun with you and Heather.

~*~

I have yet to pick up a pencil and draw a picture ever since you left California.

~*~

Remember the Blood Clan we made in sixth grade? I seriously can NOT believe we actually ran around and bit people to make them a part of our clan. Now that I look back to it, it’s amazing that we didn’t get mono. Ewww. I sure did some crazy things with you, Bridget Chan.

~*~

And I was always so jealous of your last name. I hated my last name because I was always at the end of the alphabet.

~*~

Oh my gosh then we had Ricks together. I still remember that one insult Ricks made at Andrew. You remember Andrew right? If you don’t, check the scrapbook I made you right before you left! haha just kidding of course I know that you still remember Andrew. Andrew was looking at that picture of a sloth, and Ricks was like “That’s nice, Andrew, but we’re studying physics, not family history.” That was the best insult I’ve ever heard come from that teacher, even though it was pretty mean. I think Andrew’s doing pretty good right now. He’s a hella passionate runner. Really fast too! I wish you can talk to him.

LOL Remember our freaking hoist that was 10 times slower than everybody elses’? Surprisingly we still got an A in that project. Though that cant be said for our overall grade. Sad sad day.

~*~

You hated your art teacher! What was her name? Mamon? I remember every time lunch ended you would come up to me with a pathetically desperate and sad face, moaning “OH no! I must depart now to the land of the Mamoooons.”

~*~

Sigh. Well it was funny when you said it.

~*~

You brought me into the joy of story writing. You showed me what dramatic writing was like, and now I think I write everything in a story like, dramatic manner. But that really helped me this year because that was exactly the style my freshmen English teacher Mr. Rath liked. I think you would’ve thought Rath’s class as hilarious. All we do all day is talk about politics. It’s so dumb cuz I don’t know squat about politics. I didn’t know freaking Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were two different people. Like wtf man. Haha I can hear you calling me “Oob” already.

~*~

Old Off Boat, remember?

~*~

And then there was the church life. Remember Alpha House? My goodness, you made me bawl like crazy. How the heck did we even get so mad at each other? We must’ve been the most stubborn, dumbest best friends in history. My eyes were so swollen the next day from all the crying that I could hardly open them.

~*~

Blizzardclaw. Thunderfur. Haha I still use the codename thunderfur as my gmail account. I remember us being so obsessed with that Warrior Cat series. Gosh, we were so mean to Samuel ever since we dubbed him as the bad cat trying to take over our territory. I feel super guilty. Maybe I should apologize to him the next time I see him . Didn’t I give him an ear infection or something because I accidentally “clawed” his ear? Oh my gosh I definitely feel guilty now. Maybe he’d like some brownies…

~*~

Remember when we got baptized? Weren’t you baptized first? The oldest one out of the entire 2012 class of the Church of Fremont? Haha. I can easily say that was the happiest moment of my life. Although I can’t remember that feeling anymore, that spiritual high, I still know that I have never been so happy in my life than that day when we finally all entered completely into God’s kingdom.

~*~

Oh shoot. You’re not the class of 2012 anymore, are you… It’s 2013 for you now. Gosh Bridget, if I could will it so, I would wish that none of this horrible stuff have ever happened, and that instead you would be here in California, maybe on the phone with me, maybe on Gmail, maybe in my elite class tomorrow afternoon…

~*~

But not in Texas. Not so far away.

~*~

And then there was SST. I remember all the serving ones kept telling us to shut up during the meetings because you, me, Amy and Alisha would never stop talking during the meetings. Or drawing. And Sister Danielle was such a dear serving one to us. She loved us two, do you remember? And remember her dog? And her super tall son who was two times taller than us but the same grade? He’s even taller now. And his voice is super duper deep. Oh. I remember how you hated it when people made comments about your height. But I never really noticed your height. To me, you were always just plain ole Bridgie. And you always will be.

~*~

I just talked to Danielle yesterday. Apparently she sometimes checks up on me using Facebook. But I’m not sure that that’s a good thing.

~*~

SST 2007. Are those Skittles you’re holding in your hand? No wonder we’re both so high.

~*~

I definitely remember Redwood Alliance. I had never had so much fun! We went on so many different adventures. My heart hurts when I think back on them and realize that I’ll never have that kinda experience with you ever again. Remember all that coffee we drank? Was it 10 cups or something? Well, the best things in life are free. And oh my gosh, how many verses did we memorize in the three days of the retreat? One hundred fifty? Two hundred? 

~*~

Remember the swings that we’d always swing on? That if we swing high enough, it would seem like we’d fall directly into the creek? And all the hikes?

~*~

Remember when my mother was baptized? I told you that it was pretty cool because she was pregnant with my brother at that time. So my brother was kind of baptized too, before he was even born. So that he was already the son of God. Samuel wanted to name him Marth, right?

~*~

And there was China! China was so mindblowingly fun, cuz you actually come over to visit me there and slept over in my house! Haha and we fed you some duck feet, which you never ate before. But you super duper liked it, didn’t you? And we played that PSP game all day. I don’t remember what it was called. Pop OMG? OMG popomegal? I know I’m completely off.

~*~

Dude remember how frustrated you were when you first started to Photoshop? But you are so awesome at Photoshop right now, it’s amazing. I love to show off the pictures you post on DeviantArt. I’ve never been so proud to point at a picture and say “See this? My best friend drew it.”

~*~

My favorite phrase of all time comes from you: scandalous sex. I can’t say too much here, but if laughter really does make you live longer and if every day I laughed as much and as hard as I did that day, I would live forever and ever.

~*~

I guess I’ve come a full circle. Of course these aren’t all the memories I’ve had with you these five and a half years (or is it six now) but I also feel like I need to say something that has been on my chest for a while now.

~*~

I’m sorry.

~*~

Everything went wrong in eighth grade, didn’t it? Because I made some new friends, friends that you thought would take me away from you, and you hated them from the very beginning.

You always kept this to yourself. Whenever you were mad at me, you never told me the reason. You told it to everyone else but me. And by the time I find out the reason, the situation would already be at its worst.

I always hoped that you would accept my new friends, that you’d understand no matter what happened, you would still hold the most precious piece of my heart. I thought of you as my soul sister. I was ready to spend the rest of my life calling you my best friend. Because no one knew me better than you.

But you didn’t. You never became friends with them, and at the end, we drifted. And finally there came the big fight at graduation that left us both scarred and wounded. It was in this state that we entered high school, into freshmen year.

And after freshmen year started, although we had supposedly made up, we kept drifting, didn’t we? We formed new friends, made new groups. And still, you would never tell me the problems you had with me. I’d hear it from other people, all the stuff you complained to them about me, but I shrugged it off, because you yourself didn’t tell it to me.

Hell, Bridget. I wasn’t even the first person you told when you found out that you were going to move to China.

I know that at that time, I probably didn’t deserve for you to trust me so. But it still hurt, Bridget. We’ve been through so much thick and thin. You were the one I could confide in when we all thought my dad got liver cancer and that he was going to die in three months.

So I guess it was a big slap in the face for me. Though you would probably say that I deserved it. Which I think I probably did.

I still didn’t confront you, even after I found out the shocking truth from other sources. I was really numb to it all. And that’s when I began to drift away from the Lord. And I know you began to drift too. There we were, the two peas in a pod, both drifting, away from the Lord and away from each other.

Before you left, I had to make you that scrapbook. You couldn’t forget all the times we had together. It already seemed like I lost you, but you moving to China would’ve made it official. So I spent days working on that scrapbook, and I gave it to you when you left.

~*~

Let me finally come to the present. There you are in Texas, interested in your new game World of Warcraft, and here I am in California, finally stopping this flow of the messed up worldly life of mines that I lead and realizing that I need to right my wrongs.

I know what you think I’ve become. No one has really told me, but from your attitude and from Heather’s, I can guess.

Bridget, I know it may seem a lot like it, that I may seem like the world’s biggest prep, but I’m not. I’m still the dumb innocent boorish little Lily that you’ve known all your life. I’ve made a plethora of mistakes these one and a half years since I’ve been away from the Lord and away from you, but things really have woken me up again, and I’m going to do my best to lead a good church life. The church life that I always thought I was going to spend with you.

~*~

I’m sorry, Bridget, for making it seem like I up and ditched you for other things. For not giving you a reason to have any faith in me.

I really really really really miss you, Bridget.

~*~

I didn’t realize all of this just now. What I did realize just now is that I need to fix our relationship. That I need you back in my life. However little, however small, I don’t care. But I once thought you were my soul sister. And just now, I realize that I still want you to be my soul sister.

~*~

Bridget, will you give me a second chance?

~*~

Happy sixteenth birthday, dearest one.

I wish for your happiness. Lord bless you.

with lots of love and kisses and hugs and prayer,

Lily

~*~

2005 Church BBQ. Taken at Old Mission Park. I love your shirt and my hamster teeth.

~*~

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.”

~*~

~*~

its been a while since high school started. and i have something i want to say to the four most important people in my life. i know that i wouldn’t be who i am now if it weren’t for you four, and although its hard to describe my gratitude in words, i’ll do my best.

you know who you are.

~*~

1. Although my first memories of being your friend is hard to remember, I’m extremely happy that God has brought us together again. You are the most caring, kindest, gentlest girl I have ever known and I feel so lucky to have you in my life. If my life were a drama (you tell me often that my life is already one), I’d ask myself the cliche, cheeseball question of what I did in my past life to deserve such a blessing as you. Thank you for always listening to my troubles with a kind heart. Thank you for always comforting me when I cry. Thank you for always being patient when I start acting impertinent and immature. I love you to pieces and although I do wish our paths will never separate into two, I know also that it is a foolish thing to wish for. So I wish for your happiness.

2. It’s hard to imagine that we’ve only known and been friends with each other for a year, or even less. “Friends are the family you choose.” I finally understand the truth in this quote when I think of you and all the things we’ve been through this school year. You showed me that awkward moments arent necessarily awkward with the right mindset. You showed me that there’s nothing wrong with holding your friends’ hands. You showed me that true beauty comes from within, that confidence in myself comes first before anything else. And you showed me that sometimes when the world is crashing down on me and the future seems bleak, its ok to let it out and have a good cry. You’re scared that we won’t be friends anymore if our schedules next year dont match, but I think it doesn’t matter. “It well may be that we will never meet again in this life time, so let me say before we part… you’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.” And although I’ve told you this before, no boy is worth my friendship with you. I love you.

3. It’s amazing how it only took one day of training for us to finally bond with each other and become friends at last. You are one of the people in my life who I respect, whether it’s for your sedulity, your truthfulness, or your tender loving care. You say you worry too much, but that’s what I like about you. You’re sensitive to the feelings and well being of others around you and you’re responsible and dependable. I felt touched when you heard some bad talk about me from others and you immediately worried for me. You told me that you knew I was a wonderful person on the inside. I just wish that one day you’ll realize you should care more for yourself and not worry so much for other people. Be yourself and know your self worth. Whether you succeed or fail, live as you believe. Remember that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. 

4. I have yet to meet someone who treats me better than you do. You humor me in every little childish dumb thing I can cook up, and you’ve always been there for me whenever I needed a good venting and someone to give a long rant to. Though there is going to be a plethora of things in life we do that we regret, I will again repeat this quote to you: “Gold will shine.” It doesn’t matter where you are. Even if you may not be recognized now, success will come, just like no matter where a piece of gold is, it will still glitter. I dread the day when we have to say goodbye, for I have yet to go three days without seeing you. And I’ll worry so much for you too, even though you tell me not to. Trust in your heart, and pray to the Lord since you don’t like to share your burdens with others. The Lord is there for you, whether you believe or not. I’ll miss you dearly.

~*~

Like a comet pulled from orbit 
As it passes a sun 
Like a stream that meets a boulder 
Halfway through the wood 
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? 
But because I knew you 
I have been changed for good.

~*~

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

~*~

Dear God,

It’s been a year and a half.

When I say it like that, doesn’t it seem like I’m describing an anniversary? An anniversary of my relationship with You?

But its not. Instead it’s how long it’s been since I’ve been apart from You. It’s how long I’ve been astray and alone, out in the wilderness searching for something that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find.

I actually thought I was happy. And well, in a sense, I was. I had caring friends. I had good grades. I had success in badminton. But I didn’t realize how much happier, how much more satisfied I could’ve felt if I had not wandered away. I always knew my junior high self, the girl I was back then, full and saturated with Your life, was the innocent self that should be a solid example of what my future person would and should be. I knew that. But I didnt feel it.

Heavenly Father?

I’m in love with You again.

A year ago I had already realized I was slowly slipping away. I could sense that I wasn’t feeling the same way towards You, towards the Body, towards my spiritual self anymore. And at the Redwood Alliance retreat, I remember watching people going up to the podium and consecrating and renewing their relationships with You. But I… I was hesitant. I had already drifted and I was aware of the fact that I couldn’t touch on the Spirit anymore, so I worried that even if I did go up there, up to the podium that I once would’ve done anything, given up everything, to be able to be up there testifying, what happens if… it didn’t work?

What happens if I just gave myself to You, consecrated my life to You, renewed my relationship with You, only to go back to Fremont, back to my school life, to just drift away again?

I confessed this fear to the sister who encouraged me to consecrate at the podium. Her response was short but clear and full of faith. “God will find a way.”

I believed her. I believed that You would conquer the Satan in me and win me over again, like you did two years ago when I first believed and entered Your Kingdom. I went up and consecrated. I gave You my life. I gave You control of my every day decisions. I gave You myself.

Then I went back home. And my fear came true. I returned to drifting. And I wandered astray again.

Lord, I never stopped believing You were there watching me, even while I was lost in the wilderness. But I had become numb to You. Only the world could entice me. I couldn’t feel You anymore, and I think I was hurt. That sister said that You would find a way to help me, to save me… so why didn’t You? Why didn’t You care… for me… anymore? That’s what I told myself and that’s how I felt. I didn’t and couldn’t feel Your presence, Your love, Your mercy anymore. I knew You were there, but I couldn’t touch on You. So after a few half hearted tries of coming back to You, I gave up. I stopped caring because I thought You would find Your way, only that You didn’t want to right now. I left the church life and I became worldly.

Oh I knew I was worldly ever since the beginning, ever since I got sucked in, but I knew I wasn’t a bad person. I still tried to keep myself in check and to be as much as a good girl as I could. I wanted to be nice to people. I wanted to have a bright positive attitude. I wanted to face life and its problems with a smile.

But I think it’s finally come to me. How stupid I’ve been from the start. All I ever wanted, and all I ever need, is with You. I’ve had so many distractions, distractions that I thought had meaning in my life, and although these distractions still do have meaning, in the end, they’re still just simply what they are. Distractions. I’ve spent way too long on things that were not worth half the time I’ve given it.

And in the midst of chasing these distraction, running away from You, I tried to change myself. I thought my old self was too incompetent, too useless. So I tried to prove to myself that I was still worth something. I formed an exterior, a mask, of a girl who I wasn’t.

I never meant to cause so much trouble and drama in my life, to cause my parents so much strife and tribulations, to cause so many people to judge me, and in a way, to judge me wrongly. The impression I had unconsciously given others was not what I wanted, not what I thought would happen, and most of all, not me. All I ever wanted was to be a better person. To be happy with my life.

To cope with my break up.

And I guess, even though I’ve always known this…

All I ever wanted was to be at peace with You again.

Thank you, Lord, for saving me again. The morning started as one of the lousiest days of my life, but tonight is one of the happiness moment I can remember. I don’t remember ever feeling truly at peace with myself, and with You, like I do right now.

And today, I finally understand what that sister meant by “God will find a way.” My mom told me this story only a few days back.

A man really loved and believed in God. His faith in his God was unwavering, strong, and pure. He knew that no matter what horrible thing happened, God would save him.

One day, there was a flood in his town. To escape from the flood, the man climbed a tree. But the waters were unrelenting and only got higher and higher with each passing second. The man called on his Lord, praying for his God to save him.

A boat suddenly came by, and the sailor yelled at the man to jump in. But the man was stubborn and shouted back “My God will save me!” And so, shaking his head, the sailor gave up and the boat left.

A second boat then passed by, but the man said the same thing in response. “My God will save me!” And thus the boat left.

A third boat came. But again the man was stubborn and yelled “My God will save me!” And that boat, like the first two, left as well.

The flood worsened and at the end of the day, the man drowned.

Up in heaven, the man came face to face with his God. Feeling hurt and betrayed, he asked his Father, “Lord, my faith in you never ceased. Why did you not save me?”

The Father replied, “What do you mean, my son? I sent three boats your way to save you!”

Lord Jesus, how am I any different from the man in the story? I was always waiting for You to find Your way to me, but I never realized that that’s what You have been trying to do all along. This whole time that I had been waiting for You to pull me back, I had been ignoring the boats You sent my way. I realize, Lord, what people mean about turning to You. You’re always there, standing next to us. But we face the opposite way and we say that we don’t see You and we ask why You have left us. But in all actuality You support us in every moment of our lives, and all we really need to do is to turn around and face You.

Thank you, Lord, that Your sovereignty has finally guided me on that boat tonight.

Thank you Lord that tonight I finally did something right: I finally went to fellowship with my brothers and sisters. The same brothers and sisters who I had left for one and a half years. The same brothers and sisters who told me today that they were glad I was back. The same brothers and sisters who told me they loved me.

And their love was just the support I needed. Their love was just the thing I was searching for. Although it would make more sense for them to shun me for leaving them while I went off to pursue my own selfish goals, they didn’t. They’ve never stopped praying for me this whole time, never stopped loving me, never stopped having faith in me.

I haven’t felt this warm and protected in a long time. These are the people who I will never have to worry about turning their backs on me. These are the people who I will never have to worry about losing. These are the people who I will never have to worry about wasting my time and my life with them.

And the reason for this? The thing that brings us together?

Thank You, Lord, most of all, for your unconditional love.

Thank You, Lord, that You loved me first.

You never stopped loving me.

And You never will.

~*~

I dont know if I did the right thing by posting this up. But I think this is my way to make amends with myself and with some people who I feel like I owe an explanation to.

But I’m very happy. I’m at peace. And I hope that one day, you will be too.

~*~

Lord Jesus,

I give myself to you.

~*~

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, 
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip— 
He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, He who watches over Israel 
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you— 
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day, 
Nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm— 
He will watch over your life;

The LORD will watch over your coming and going 
Both now and forevermore.

~*~